1. I have some big time resistance to making this list today. Rather than sit down and do it, I have found myself doing chores instead of my morning routine, putting my tennis shoes on to go for a walk and sitting on the front porch watching the bees in the lavender.
2. Resistance is so familiar, especially when I am close to the truth.
3. The question now is, do I have the courage to name the truth? Or will I dance around it.
4. I think I’ll dance a bit and see if it rises up through the words.
5. We met with the doctor yesterday. He reminded me of a small Wizard of Oz, sitting at his desk, holding onto all of the information, all the testing, all the medical records in a thick folder instead of behind a curtain.
6. I couldn’t see his eyes. Even when he looked at me.
7. He spoke a neuropsych babble kind of language that was completely foreign to us. We are educated people and it was difficult to understand. My husband is an educator, highly intelligent and accomplished with advanced degrees. I have a graduate degree and have worked in the health field for years. (Doc wasn’t happy when I asked him about an ROI. When I asked for a copy of his report, he said I probably wouldn’t understand it.) He began with the anatomy of the brain, droned on and on and on and slipped the word Alzheimer’s in, then went on and on and on.
8. I watched my husband glaze over and interrupted the brilliant man who tightly held the information (in truth, my husband is the brilliant man and his body holds all the information…but, I digress.)
9. My husband: if I heard you correctly there have been multiple sub cortical infarctions. What I want to know is if there is something wrong with my brain.
10. Doc, from behind his paper curtain, says, “Yes there is.”
11. I start to cry. I already knew the answer, but now it is in black and white. It is part of the medical record and the pieces are beginning to make sense. He does not have Alzheimer’s. He does not have dementia. He has significant brain damage and is unable to use abstract, complex reasoning.
12. I think I will continue to dance around my resistance. Just writing this has been exhausting. My feelings are deep. Not sure I want to go there now.
13. “If I only had a heart, a brain, the nerve.”
14. I just need to remember that I do.